I should be shot

My goodness, I am a horrible person.

Today, my parents were planning on taking Nola for the afternoon for some Gramma and Grampa time. Well, my folks called at 9:15 this morning saying they were going to take Nola for a walk this morning instead. Mornings are hard for me and I was not ready at all, neither was Nola. Long story short, I pushed myself to get up and get ready and I started vomiting. I called my Mom and told her I wouldn't be able to meet her at the park because I was getting sick, and she was not impressed. How did I respond? Oh, I only yelled at her and threw the phone across the kitchen.

Ugh. My emotions are HELL!

I called her back and told her that I just wanted time with Nola, so she could just go back home. Of course, I knew that would hurt her feelings but I'm a monster so I didn't care. Knowing my mom, I knew she would come out to my house anyways, so I took Nola outside for a little walk around the neighbourhood. I saw my Mom pull up to my house twice, but I kept my distance. I thought I was in the clear, so I headed home, but just as we were in the drive-way, she pulled up.

I hate confrontation. I hate talking to people when I am not ready. I hate being emotional and vulnerable, yet here I was, face-to-face with the woman I just treated like dirt.

I apologized, because I truly was and still am sorry. She was great - as usual - and accepted my apology and just wanted to make sure I was OK. My Dad took Nola for a few minutes while we talked. Everything worked out in the end. My mom still loves me, I still love her.

So, I guess it's back to the councillor I go. I know I have been needed to do this, but I just hate dealing with it. My depression is coming back and is doing it's best to settle in, but I have to fight, fight, fight at all costs. I will not let my life be like that, ever again. I choose happiness.

Pray for me

Jess