This morning I had an appointment to see me doctor. I was very glad to see him, because I need some new medication! After waiting for almost an hour, I got to see him and he gave me a new prescription and some recommendations. I will be back in 2 weeks for yet another follow up appointment. I am really hoping these new meds work! I am sick and tired of throwing up!! On the positive (and slightly miraculous) side, I have gained 3 lbs in two weeks!! My doctor was pretty pleased about that :)
Now for today. I was, and still am, really hoping to have a nap. My outing this morning left me super tired, but Nola is still screaming in her crib. It is a little past her nap time, so maybe shes just off, but she has been crying for nearly 20 minutes. Yeesh child, just sleep!
As for some goals, I have none :) I have already gone out and done what I need to do, now I will just take the day as it comes :)
Jess :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
May 30
Blessings:
- I have great friends. Joanne made us some dinner last night and Mandy is making dinner for us tonight. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends who love and support me :)
- I nearly begged Doug last night to go and buy me some cheesecake. BUT, I was able to stave off my craving with some greek yogurt and raspberries. I am proud of myself that I made a healthy choice.
- I had some energy yesterday, so I made some sweet potato pancakes for the freezer. I am not too sure how good they will taste, but hey, I made them!
- These pills are finally making their way out of my system. I was able to sleep OK again last night and I didn't have a melt down. Yay!
- I have great friends. Joanne made us some dinner last night and Mandy is making dinner for us tonight. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends who love and support me :)
- I nearly begged Doug last night to go and buy me some cheesecake. BUT, I was able to stave off my craving with some greek yogurt and raspberries. I am proud of myself that I made a healthy choice.
- I had some energy yesterday, so I made some sweet potato pancakes for the freezer. I am not too sure how good they will taste, but hey, I made them!
- These pills are finally making their way out of my system. I was able to sleep OK again last night and I didn't have a melt down. Yay!
Monday, May 30, 2011
It's a new day
I am happy to report that I slept last night! Yay! The pills the doctor gave me for the vomiting have given me wicked insomnia. I have been off of them since Thursday, but last night was the first night that I actually fell asleep! I only woke up twice! Yahoo!
I have been feeling a little ambitious today, which is typically a good thing. However, I usually over-do-it and then feel horrible, so I am trying to take it easy. I didn't get all of the laundry finished yesterday, so I am doing that this morning. I am also making some sweet potatoe pancakes to put in the freezer. I was also going to make some chick pea and chicken stew, but that would be me over-doing-it, so I will settle with laundry and pancakes.
A dear friend of mine, Mandy, offered to make Doug and I dinner tonight, which is so wonderful. I love her so much and a appreciae her love.
Thats it for now!
I have been feeling a little ambitious today, which is typically a good thing. However, I usually over-do-it and then feel horrible, so I am trying to take it easy. I didn't get all of the laundry finished yesterday, so I am doing that this morning. I am also making some sweet potatoe pancakes to put in the freezer. I was also going to make some chick pea and chicken stew, but that would be me over-doing-it, so I will settle with laundry and pancakes.
A dear friend of mine, Mandy, offered to make Doug and I dinner tonight, which is so wonderful. I love her so much and a appreciae her love.
Thats it for now!
May 29
Blessings:
- Doug let me sleep for most of the morning and afternoon. He took Nola to church so I could get some rest. He is so amazing and treats me so well.
- I sent an e-mail to two of my friends, apologizing for how 'off' I have been. They both replied with love and concern. I am so blessed and so grateful for people who honestly care about me, my family and our well being. SO blessed.
- For dinner, we went over to Colter and Karmyn's house. It was a wonderful time and I didn't get sick!
- While at the Bates' house, Nola came up and gave me a big hug and a kiss, without me asking her.
- Doug and I had a great chat last night and he did everything he could to help me feel better.
I am very blessed.
- Doug let me sleep for most of the morning and afternoon. He took Nola to church so I could get some rest. He is so amazing and treats me so well.
- I sent an e-mail to two of my friends, apologizing for how 'off' I have been. They both replied with love and concern. I am so blessed and so grateful for people who honestly care about me, my family and our well being. SO blessed.
- For dinner, we went over to Colter and Karmyn's house. It was a wonderful time and I didn't get sick!
- While at the Bates' house, Nola came up and gave me a big hug and a kiss, without me asking her.
- Doug and I had a great chat last night and he did everything he could to help me feel better.
I am very blessed.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
May 28
Blessings:
- I achieved my goal of finding some healthy alternative recipes.
- I took Nola outside for a walk even though I threw up (sorry neighbour)
- My mom came to check up on me. I really didn't deserve it, however she loves me. That means a lot.
- Doug and I snuggled while Nola had a nap.
- I made a grocery list and we went and got our major monthly groceries! It feels great to have that all done!!!
- Doug and I worked as a team last night. I made dinner while he fed Nola. Then we put all of the groceries away, cleaned the kitchen and watched a movie.
Yup, pretty blessed.
- I achieved my goal of finding some healthy alternative recipes.
- I took Nola outside for a walk even though I threw up (sorry neighbour)
- My mom came to check up on me. I really didn't deserve it, however she loves me. That means a lot.
- Doug and I snuggled while Nola had a nap.
- I made a grocery list and we went and got our major monthly groceries! It feels great to have that all done!!!
- Doug and I worked as a team last night. I made dinner while he fed Nola. Then we put all of the groceries away, cleaned the kitchen and watched a movie.
Yup, pretty blessed.
Sunday
Well, it's Sunday and here I am at home, in bed, on the computer. I was really hoping to go to church today as I desperately need to be inspired and need to partake of the sacrament, yet here I am, in bed. This happens most Sundays. I try to get up and get ready, but I end up pushing myself a little too hard and the vomiting comes. I have gone to church and spent most of the time in the bathroom, and I am not all that interested in doing that again, so I stay home. Ugh.
OK, get over it, you are at home so lets make the best of it!
Goals for today...hmmm. I guess one of them would have to be laundry. I have had clothes sitting in both the washer and the dryer for 3 days - I should probably do something with them. Also, the sun is shinning so I figure I should try to spend a little time outside. I could sit out on the deck and let my daughter play. We are suppose to go over to a friends house for dinner, so hopefully I will feel better by then so we can still go.
Alright, thats enough goals for today. Wish me luck.
Jess
OK, get over it, you are at home so lets make the best of it!
Goals for today...hmmm. I guess one of them would have to be laundry. I have had clothes sitting in both the washer and the dryer for 3 days - I should probably do something with them. Also, the sun is shinning so I figure I should try to spend a little time outside. I could sit out on the deck and let my daughter play. We are suppose to go over to a friends house for dinner, so hopefully I will feel better by then so we can still go.
Alright, thats enough goals for today. Wish me luck.
Jess
Saturday, May 28, 2011
I should be shot
My goodness, I am a horrible person.
Today, my parents were planning on taking Nola for the afternoon for some Gramma and Grampa time. Well, my folks called at 9:15 this morning saying they were going to take Nola for a walk this morning instead. Mornings are hard for me and I was not ready at all, neither was Nola. Long story short, I pushed myself to get up and get ready and I started vomiting. I called my Mom and told her I wouldn't be able to meet her at the park because I was getting sick, and she was not impressed. How did I respond? Oh, I only yelled at her and threw the phone across the kitchen.
Ugh. My emotions are HELL!
I called her back and told her that I just wanted time with Nola, so she could just go back home. Of course, I knew that would hurt her feelings but I'm a monster so I didn't care. Knowing my mom, I knew she would come out to my house anyways, so I took Nola outside for a little walk around the neighbourhood. I saw my Mom pull up to my house twice, but I kept my distance. I thought I was in the clear, so I headed home, but just as we were in the drive-way, she pulled up.
I hate confrontation. I hate talking to people when I am not ready. I hate being emotional and vulnerable, yet here I was, face-to-face with the woman I just treated like dirt.
I apologized, because I truly was and still am sorry. She was great - as usual - and accepted my apology and just wanted to make sure I was OK. My Dad took Nola for a few minutes while we talked. Everything worked out in the end. My mom still loves me, I still love her.
So, I guess it's back to the councillor I go. I know I have been needed to do this, but I just hate dealing with it. My depression is coming back and is doing it's best to settle in, but I have to fight, fight, fight at all costs. I will not let my life be like that, ever again. I choose happiness.
Pray for me
Jess
Today, my parents were planning on taking Nola for the afternoon for some Gramma and Grampa time. Well, my folks called at 9:15 this morning saying they were going to take Nola for a walk this morning instead. Mornings are hard for me and I was not ready at all, neither was Nola. Long story short, I pushed myself to get up and get ready and I started vomiting. I called my Mom and told her I wouldn't be able to meet her at the park because I was getting sick, and she was not impressed. How did I respond? Oh, I only yelled at her and threw the phone across the kitchen.
Ugh. My emotions are HELL!
I called her back and told her that I just wanted time with Nola, so she could just go back home. Of course, I knew that would hurt her feelings but I'm a monster so I didn't care. Knowing my mom, I knew she would come out to my house anyways, so I took Nola outside for a little walk around the neighbourhood. I saw my Mom pull up to my house twice, but I kept my distance. I thought I was in the clear, so I headed home, but just as we were in the drive-way, she pulled up.
I hate confrontation. I hate talking to people when I am not ready. I hate being emotional and vulnerable, yet here I was, face-to-face with the woman I just treated like dirt.
I apologized, because I truly was and still am sorry. She was great - as usual - and accepted my apology and just wanted to make sure I was OK. My Dad took Nola for a few minutes while we talked. Everything worked out in the end. My mom still loves me, I still love her.
So, I guess it's back to the councillor I go. I know I have been needed to do this, but I just hate dealing with it. My depression is coming back and is doing it's best to settle in, but I have to fight, fight, fight at all costs. I will not let my life be like that, ever again. I choose happiness.
Pray for me
Jess
Healthy Alternatives
Well, it is 9:45am and I have achieved my goal for the day. Yahoo! Here are some recipes I have looked up to make some healthy meal choices. Once I've made them, I'll let you know if they are any good.
Black Bean Burger
1/2 cup onion, diced
1 can black beans, drained
1/4 cup (or less) flour
2 slices bread, crumbled
2 cloves garlic
1 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon season salt
Salt and pepper to taste
Oil for frying
Saute onions until soft, 3-5 minutes.
In a large bowl mash beans until almost smooth. I used a pastry blender and it worked well. Add onions and remaining ingredients. Add flour a few tablespoons at a time, combining well after each addition. You may not need the entire 1/4 cup.
Form mixture into patties, about 1/2-inch thick. I used olive oil in a saute pan for the burgers. Cook about 5 minutes per side, until heated through. I will be trying these on the grill this summer.
Garnish as you would like. Serve on whole wheat hamburger buns.
Rick's burgers are pretty simple to make as well. He combined onion and green pepper with the ground beef, formed them into patties and fried until the meat was no longer pink. The burger was then topped with teriyaki sauce, followed by blue cheese and Swiss cheese and garnishes as needed.
PIZZA
1 Corn wrap
30g Low fat cheese
1/2 cup of Tomato Puree (If very thick use less and mix with some water)
1 tomato
4 mushrooms
1/2 green pepper
1/2 yellow pepper
1 Red Onion
Handful of Spinach leaves
3 cloves of garlic
1/2 chicken fillet
Directions
Chop up all the veg and dice the chicken into small chunks. Fry the chicken using a low fat oil spray. Once nearly cooked, add the garlic, onion and peppers. Continue cooking until soft. Then add the tomato and mushrooms and continue to cook for 1/2 min, stirring continuously. Add the tomato puree and most of the cheese and stir until the cheese has melt. Tear the spinach leave with you hands and place a single layer of them on top of the wrap. Then cover with your concoction from the pan and spread out. Sprinkle with the remaining cheese and put into a heat oven. Leave there for 5 min or until the wrap edges are crispy but not burnt (will depend on your oven so keep watch). Take out and enjoy! Obviously any veg can be used on this pizza and the chicken is optional but if included makes the meal nice and filling. I use corn wraps because they are small that other wraps, around the size of a personal pizza.
BREAKFAST
Eggs with peppers. I’m not a fan of eggs, but many people love them. Egg whites are healthier than whole eggs. Scramble with a little olive oil, red and green bell peppers, maybe broccoli, onions, black pepper. Goes well with whole-wheat toast.
Cottage cheese and fruit. Get low-fat cottage cheese. Add any kind of fruit. Apples, citrus, berries.
Fresh berries, yogurt, granola. Get low-fat yogurt (not non-fat, as it often has too much sugar) or soy yogurt, cut up some berries or other fruits, add some healthy cereal. I actually use the Kashi Golean Crunch instead of granola, as many brands of granola have way too much fat and/or sugar.
Grapefruit with whole-wheat toast & almond butter. Add a little sugar on top of the grapefruit, and it’s actually pretty good. The almond butter is healthier than peanut-butter, with lots of good protein to fill you up.
Fresh fruit salad. Cut up some apples, melons, berries, oranges, pears, bananas, grapes … any or all or whatever your favorite fruits are. Add a little bit of lime or lemon juice. Perfect.
Protein shake with extras. I use soy protein powder, but whey works well too. Blend up with low-fat milk or soy milk, some frozen blueberries, and perhaps some almond butter or oatmeal. That may sound weird, but it’s actually pretty good, and pretty filling. A little ground flax seed works well too.
Sweet Potato Pancakes
§ 1 cup water
§ 1/2 cup sweet potato puree
§ 1/4 tsp. cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice (optional)
§ 1 cup pancake mix
§ Nonstick cooking spray
§ 1 Tbsp. canola or vegetable oil
§ Pure maple syrup, for serving
In a large bowl, mix the water, sweet potato puree, and cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice, if using. Add the pancake mix and stir just to combine—the batter should be lumpy.Coat a griddle or large nonstick skillet with cooking spray and set it over medium-high heat. When the pan is hot, add the oil, and spoon the batter onto the griddle or pan, using 1/4 cup batter for each pancake.Cook until bubbles form on top of the pancakes and the batter is set, 2 to 3 minutes. Then use a spatula to flip the pancakes and cook them until golden brown on the other side, 2 to 3 minutes. From the book Deceptively Delicious
DESSERT
Healthy Cheesecake Jello
Ingredients:
1 cup Water (bring to boil)
1 package Sugar-free Flavored Jello (such as raspberry)
3/4 cup Fat-free Greek Style Yogurt
2 cups Reduced Fat Cream Cheese
Sugar Substitute (such as Splenda) to taste
Mix Jello mix with boiling water and stir. Add yogurt and cream cheese and mix thoroughly. Let sit in fridge overnight. Serve as-is or top with fresh fruit, if desired.
Serves 8.
Blueberry-Almond Turtles
7 Tbsp (2.5 oz) 60% cocoa bittersweet chocolate chips (such as Ghirardelli)
1/4 cup dried wild blueberries (sold in produce section)
1/4 cup sliced almonds
Microwave chocolate in a glass bowl for 60 to 75 seconds or until melted. Stir in blueberries and nuts, then drop 5 rounded tablespoons onto parchment paper. Cool in refrigerator for 2 to 4 minutes or until firm.
Makes 5 turtles.
Black Bean Burger
1/2 cup onion, diced
1 can black beans, drained
1/4 cup (or less) flour
2 slices bread, crumbled
2 cloves garlic
1 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon season salt
Salt and pepper to taste
Oil for frying
Saute onions until soft, 3-5 minutes.
In a large bowl mash beans until almost smooth. I used a pastry blender and it worked well. Add onions and remaining ingredients. Add flour a few tablespoons at a time, combining well after each addition. You may not need the entire 1/4 cup.
Form mixture into patties, about 1/2-inch thick. I used olive oil in a saute pan for the burgers. Cook about 5 minutes per side, until heated through. I will be trying these on the grill this summer.
Garnish as you would like. Serve on whole wheat hamburger buns.
Rick's burgers are pretty simple to make as well. He combined onion and green pepper with the ground beef, formed them into patties and fried until the meat was no longer pink. The burger was then topped with teriyaki sauce, followed by blue cheese and Swiss cheese and garnishes as needed.
PIZZA
1 Corn wrap
30g Low fat cheese
1/2 cup of Tomato Puree (If very thick use less and mix with some water)
1 tomato
4 mushrooms
1/2 green pepper
1/2 yellow pepper
1 Red Onion
Handful of Spinach leaves
3 cloves of garlic
1/2 chicken fillet
Directions
Chop up all the veg and dice the chicken into small chunks. Fry the chicken using a low fat oil spray. Once nearly cooked, add the garlic, onion and peppers. Continue cooking until soft. Then add the tomato and mushrooms and continue to cook for 1/2 min, stirring continuously. Add the tomato puree and most of the cheese and stir until the cheese has melt. Tear the spinach leave with you hands and place a single layer of them on top of the wrap. Then cover with your concoction from the pan and spread out. Sprinkle with the remaining cheese and put into a heat oven. Leave there for 5 min or until the wrap edges are crispy but not burnt (will depend on your oven so keep watch). Take out and enjoy! Obviously any veg can be used on this pizza and the chicken is optional but if included makes the meal nice and filling. I use corn wraps because they are small that other wraps, around the size of a personal pizza.
BREAKFAST
Eggs with peppers. I’m not a fan of eggs, but many people love them. Egg whites are healthier than whole eggs. Scramble with a little olive oil, red and green bell peppers, maybe broccoli, onions, black pepper. Goes well with whole-wheat toast.
Cottage cheese and fruit. Get low-fat cottage cheese. Add any kind of fruit. Apples, citrus, berries.
Fresh berries, yogurt, granola. Get low-fat yogurt (not non-fat, as it often has too much sugar) or soy yogurt, cut up some berries or other fruits, add some healthy cereal. I actually use the Kashi Golean Crunch instead of granola, as many brands of granola have way too much fat and/or sugar.
Grapefruit with whole-wheat toast & almond butter. Add a little sugar on top of the grapefruit, and it’s actually pretty good. The almond butter is healthier than peanut-butter, with lots of good protein to fill you up.
Fresh fruit salad. Cut up some apples, melons, berries, oranges, pears, bananas, grapes … any or all or whatever your favorite fruits are. Add a little bit of lime or lemon juice. Perfect.
Protein shake with extras. I use soy protein powder, but whey works well too. Blend up with low-fat milk or soy milk, some frozen blueberries, and perhaps some almond butter or oatmeal. That may sound weird, but it’s actually pretty good, and pretty filling. A little ground flax seed works well too.
Sweet Potato Pancakes
§ 1 cup water
§ 1/2 cup sweet potato puree
§ 1/4 tsp. cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice (optional)
§ 1 cup pancake mix
§ Nonstick cooking spray
§ 1 Tbsp. canola or vegetable oil
§ Pure maple syrup, for serving
In a large bowl, mix the water, sweet potato puree, and cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice, if using. Add the pancake mix and stir just to combine—the batter should be lumpy.Coat a griddle or large nonstick skillet with cooking spray and set it over medium-high heat. When the pan is hot, add the oil, and spoon the batter onto the griddle or pan, using 1/4 cup batter for each pancake.Cook until bubbles form on top of the pancakes and the batter is set, 2 to 3 minutes. Then use a spatula to flip the pancakes and cook them until golden brown on the other side, 2 to 3 minutes. From the book Deceptively Delicious
DESSERT
Healthy Cheesecake Jello
Ingredients:
1 cup Water (bring to boil)
1 package Sugar-free Flavored Jello (such as raspberry)
3/4 cup Fat-free Greek Style Yogurt
2 cups Reduced Fat Cream Cheese
Sugar Substitute (such as Splenda) to taste
Mix Jello mix with boiling water and stir. Add yogurt and cream cheese and mix thoroughly. Let sit in fridge overnight. Serve as-is or top with fresh fruit, if desired.
Serves 8.
Blueberry-Almond Turtles
7 Tbsp (2.5 oz) 60% cocoa bittersweet chocolate chips (such as Ghirardelli)
1/4 cup dried wild blueberries (sold in produce section)
1/4 cup sliced almonds
Microwave chocolate in a glass bowl for 60 to 75 seconds or until melted. Stir in blueberries and nuts, then drop 5 rounded tablespoons onto parchment paper. Cool in refrigerator for 2 to 4 minutes or until firm.
Makes 5 turtles.
Eating
This pregnancy has been so weird. I have been as sick as a dog and have only gained 3 pounds (I'm 21 weeks), however I feel so fat. Not pregnant, fat. It must be the way I am carrying or something, but I already have a double chin and I am as wide as I am deep. I am sure a huge part of this is mental. I am struggling emotionally with darn near everything else in my life, midaswell add on feeling ugly.
The problem (or excuse)? When I do have an appetite, all I want is grease and meat. It's funny, I had one day in particular where I threw up all morning, and then Doug took me to Boston Pizza where I ate a whole 8 oz steak and mashed potatoes, in ONE sitting! The real amazing thing - I kept it all down. Same with last night. I ate a hamburger (sans bun) and french fries for dinner and I kept it all down, yet when I ate an apple sauce earlier, I got sick.
SO, my goal for today is to go on-line and find healthier alternative to the foods I want. Once I comprise my list, I will share :)
Jess
The problem (or excuse)? When I do have an appetite, all I want is grease and meat. It's funny, I had one day in particular where I threw up all morning, and then Doug took me to Boston Pizza where I ate a whole 8 oz steak and mashed potatoes, in ONE sitting! The real amazing thing - I kept it all down. Same with last night. I ate a hamburger (sans bun) and french fries for dinner and I kept it all down, yet when I ate an apple sauce earlier, I got sick.
SO, my goal for today is to go on-line and find healthier alternative to the foods I want. Once I comprise my list, I will share :)
Jess
May 27
I wanted to write about a few more of my blessings from yesterday.
- When Doug got home from work, we went out for dinner to Montana's. I had a hamburger and fries and I kept it down all night!
- After dinner, we walked around the mall for a bit. We usually take Nola out twice a day to burn some of her energy, but it has been tricky with all this rain. We took a shopping cart from Shoppers Drug Mart and Nola pushed it up and down the halls. People were stopping, watching and smiling at her. She is so cute.
- Nola went to sleep like a dream :)
- Doug and I snuggled on the couch and watched the hockey game. It was strange - I have never watched a hockey game with him before as we both don't really care, but it was a very interesting game. It was great to have a little time together, just us two.
It was a good day.
- When Doug got home from work, we went out for dinner to Montana's. I had a hamburger and fries and I kept it down all night!
- After dinner, we walked around the mall for a bit. We usually take Nola out twice a day to burn some of her energy, but it has been tricky with all this rain. We took a shopping cart from Shoppers Drug Mart and Nola pushed it up and down the halls. People were stopping, watching and smiling at her. She is so cute.
- Nola went to sleep like a dream :)
- Doug and I snuggled on the couch and watched the hockey game. It was strange - I have never watched a hockey game with him before as we both don't really care, but it was a very interesting game. It was great to have a little time together, just us two.
It was a good day.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Welcome
I have always been amazed at what some people are able and willing to write for the public to see. Along with the amazement, I feel courage. Courage to tell my story, to say my truths, to not be ashamed of this path I must trek.
So, here is my new blog. A place where I can come and write about my inner most feelings. A place where I can let it all out and not be ashamed. I thought of writing a personal journal, however it is truely empowering to cut yourself open and mend yourself back together in front of a crowd.
Lets get started.
I am pregnant and I am sick. That is the challenge I am facing right now. As you could imagine, there are a lot of different issues that come with this. First, physical illness. Being sick, sucks. Puking all day, sucks. Having no energy, sucks. I feel like a broken record, but really, this is getting old. It is hard to have a positive attitude....like really hard.
Then comes the guilt. Oh guilt, my oldest nemesis. Guilt for what? How about not being able to work. That's a HUGE one. I feel so much guilt about being on illness leave, I have seriously been considering quiting my job so they don't have to deal with me. This is heart breaking because I truly do love my job and my boss is unbelievably supportive! Not once has she made me feel guilty for whats going on, yet I do it to myself. Over and over and over. How about my daughter? My poor girl has to deal with hours in front of the TV, trapped in her exersaucer, because Mommy is too sick to play with her. I can honestly say I try my best, but when she is in her crib crying for me to come get her, but I can't leave the bathroom, my heart breaks. Then my sweet, dear husband, who has picked up ALL the slack in our family. He works SO hard, and then comes home to a crying wife and a crying baby and a house that is disgusting. No dinner is made, no laundry is clean, nothing. Now for the biggest guilt trip of all - this darling child that is growing inside of me. I want to make it loud and clear to the whole universe that this baby is WANTED! I love this child, with all my heart and soul, and I prayed for him or her to come to my family, but man, it's freakin' hard. I see women who can't get pregnant, or who lose children and I feel like a horrible person because I bitch about how bad I feel. I know that there are woman out there who would die to be in my situation, yet, it still sucks.
OK. Rant over. On to solutions.
In my faith, there is a hymn called 'Count your many blessings'. It reminds us that even when life sucks, we can take some time to count the little things in life that we are truly blessed with, to make us feel better. That is the first step of my action plan.
So far today, I have noticed a few blessings.
1. My mom. My mom came over late last night to watch my daughter so my husband could take me to the ER for an IV. She lives about 40 minutes away, yet she got out of bed and came to help. She called into work this morning, explaining that she will be late and gave me time to sleep in and eat breakfast without rushing. She played with my daughter, fed her breakfast and got her dressed. What. A. Blessing!!!
2. My husband called home from work on his lunch break to see how I was feeling. He is not one to call, and it meant a lot to me that he wanted to check up on me.
3. This blog. This is a blessing to me, to not only write down how I am feeling, but to be able to use it to track my progress.
These are my blessings....3 of many.
Jess :)
So, here is my new blog. A place where I can come and write about my inner most feelings. A place where I can let it all out and not be ashamed. I thought of writing a personal journal, however it is truely empowering to cut yourself open and mend yourself back together in front of a crowd.
Lets get started.
I am pregnant and I am sick. That is the challenge I am facing right now. As you could imagine, there are a lot of different issues that come with this. First, physical illness. Being sick, sucks. Puking all day, sucks. Having no energy, sucks. I feel like a broken record, but really, this is getting old. It is hard to have a positive attitude....like really hard.
Then comes the guilt. Oh guilt, my oldest nemesis. Guilt for what? How about not being able to work. That's a HUGE one. I feel so much guilt about being on illness leave, I have seriously been considering quiting my job so they don't have to deal with me. This is heart breaking because I truly do love my job and my boss is unbelievably supportive! Not once has she made me feel guilty for whats going on, yet I do it to myself. Over and over and over. How about my daughter? My poor girl has to deal with hours in front of the TV, trapped in her exersaucer, because Mommy is too sick to play with her. I can honestly say I try my best, but when she is in her crib crying for me to come get her, but I can't leave the bathroom, my heart breaks. Then my sweet, dear husband, who has picked up ALL the slack in our family. He works SO hard, and then comes home to a crying wife and a crying baby and a house that is disgusting. No dinner is made, no laundry is clean, nothing. Now for the biggest guilt trip of all - this darling child that is growing inside of me. I want to make it loud and clear to the whole universe that this baby is WANTED! I love this child, with all my heart and soul, and I prayed for him or her to come to my family, but man, it's freakin' hard. I see women who can't get pregnant, or who lose children and I feel like a horrible person because I bitch about how bad I feel. I know that there are woman out there who would die to be in my situation, yet, it still sucks.
OK. Rant over. On to solutions.
In my faith, there is a hymn called 'Count your many blessings'. It reminds us that even when life sucks, we can take some time to count the little things in life that we are truly blessed with, to make us feel better. That is the first step of my action plan.
So far today, I have noticed a few blessings.
1. My mom. My mom came over late last night to watch my daughter so my husband could take me to the ER for an IV. She lives about 40 minutes away, yet she got out of bed and came to help. She called into work this morning, explaining that she will be late and gave me time to sleep in and eat breakfast without rushing. She played with my daughter, fed her breakfast and got her dressed. What. A. Blessing!!!
2. My husband called home from work on his lunch break to see how I was feeling. He is not one to call, and it meant a lot to me that he wanted to check up on me.
3. This blog. This is a blessing to me, to not only write down how I am feeling, but to be able to use it to track my progress.
These are my blessings....3 of many.
Jess :)
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