Welcome

I have always been amazed at what some people are able and willing to write for the public to see. Along with the amazement, I feel courage. Courage to tell my story, to say my truths, to not be ashamed of this path I must trek.

So, here is my new blog. A place where I can come and write about my inner most feelings. A place where I can let it all out and not be ashamed. I thought of writing a personal journal, however it is truely empowering to cut yourself open and mend yourself back together in front of a crowd.

Lets get started.

I am pregnant and I am sick. That is the challenge I am facing right now. As you could imagine, there are a lot of different issues that come with this. First, physical illness. Being sick, sucks. Puking all day, sucks. Having no energy, sucks. I feel like a broken record, but really, this is getting old. It is hard to have a positive attitude....like really hard.

Then comes the guilt. Oh guilt, my oldest nemesis. Guilt for what? How about not being able to work. That's a HUGE one. I feel so much guilt about being on illness leave, I have seriously been considering quiting my job so they don't have to deal with me. This is heart breaking because I truly do love my job and my boss is unbelievably supportive! Not once has she made me feel guilty for whats going on, yet I do it to myself. Over and over and over. How about my daughter? My poor girl has to deal with hours in front of the TV, trapped in her exersaucer, because Mommy is too sick to play with her. I can honestly say I try my best, but when she is in her crib crying for me to come get her, but I can't leave the bathroom, my heart breaks. Then my sweet, dear husband, who has picked up ALL the slack in our family. He works SO hard, and then comes home to a crying wife and a crying baby and a house that is disgusting. No dinner is made, no laundry is clean, nothing. Now for the biggest guilt trip of all - this darling child that is growing inside of me. I want to make it loud and clear to the whole universe that this baby is WANTED! I love this child, with all my heart and soul, and I prayed for him or her to come to my family, but man, it's freakin' hard. I see women who can't get pregnant, or who lose children and I feel like a horrible person because I bitch about how bad I feel. I know that there are woman out there who would die to be in my situation, yet, it still sucks.

OK. Rant over. On to solutions.

In my faith, there is a hymn called 'Count your many blessings'. It reminds us that even when life sucks, we can take some time to count the little things in life that we are truly blessed with, to make us feel better. That is the first step of my action plan.

So far today, I have noticed a few blessings.

1. My mom. My mom came over late last night to watch my daughter so my husband could take me to the ER for an IV. She lives about 40 minutes away, yet she got out of bed and came to help. She called into work this morning, explaining that she will be late and gave me time to sleep in and eat breakfast without rushing. She played with my daughter, fed her breakfast and got her dressed. What. A. Blessing!!!

2. My husband called home from work on his lunch break to see how I was feeling. He is not one to call, and it meant a lot to me that he wanted to check up on me.

3. This blog. This is a blessing to me, to not only write down how I am feeling, but to be able to use it to track my progress.

These are my blessings....3 of many.

Jess :)